Wednesday, October 17, 2012

How to Survive being the Dumper

Breakups are bad, nasty, and most of the time messy. But breakups are part of our natural process of finding the One. The difference between being dumped and being the dumper is like being fired versus quitting. The first one feels worse because you had no choice in the matter even if it was a crappy job. But this small difference is significant for how a Dumpee recovers in comparison to the Dumper. So yes it is harder being the Dumpee but it is also hard on the Dumper. This post is for the Dumper...

The Fundamental Difference Between the Two
1. Rejection - After a break-up this ugly head will rear high with a Dumpee. Even if the Dumpee is really self confident and self assured. Being left is not easily brushed off. 
      How does a dumper deal with it? - This will usually come up during encounters after the break-up or as I like to call them 'closure sessions'. Be sympathetic of questions such as 'why don't you love me?' 'what's wrong with me?' and the such. Even if you give a fair and kind response you must realize that your words won't completely satisfy the person. Rejection can't be fixed by words from the dumper. Only time and space will heal the dumpee. 

2. Surprise - This element will vary from break-up to break-up but for some Dumpees they are completely caught off guard. Dealing with a sudden break-up can cause a person to experience shock like symptoms analogous to if someone just died. Anxiety, extreme emotions, numbness, depression, inability to perform everyday activities, and so on and so on can be felt in some cases. 
      How does a dumper deal with it? - A dumper needs to give a shock victim plenty of space to process the emotions. Call in reinforcements - aka all his/her friends for support. You will need to be there for the person eventually, but not in the initial stages of recovery. Be understanding and respectful. And let the person have plenty of time to come to level state and then have a follow-up talk. 

3. Acceptance - The Dumpee will not always be okay with the decision that was made. And yes a person that is dumped will have to go through the stages (denial, anger, depression, bargaining, resignation, and acceptance). The Dumper usually has gone through the stages before the break-up....hence the break-up!
     How does a dumper deal with it? - Be understanding that a Dumpee will need the time to accept the break-up. Be available when you are needed by the Dumpee and give space when that is needed as well. Don't expect a person to recover in a certain amount of time. 

The Cardinal Rules for a Dumper

There should be rules and so here they are....
1. Let the Dumpee do the 'virtual' break-up aka Facebook. They didn't have control of the real break-up and the ability to call it in one sphere may be good and therapeutic for them
2. If you dated the Dumpee for more than a year, said 'I love you', and or met their parents give them respect 
3. Allow the Dumpee to be the one telling everyone that the relationship is over 
4. Don't trash talk your Dumpee around town
5. If your relationship fulfills number 2 then don't make a new relationship public for at least a few months (even if the person was the reason for the break-up) you can be with the person but don't make it official out of respect for the last one
6. Avoid areas around town where you can run into the Dumpee for the first few months
7. Don't agree to a 'closure session' until at least a week after the break-up
8. Don't hook-up with a Dumpee when you know you don't want to be with them anymore
9. If a potential suitor for the Dumpee, months or years later, comes asking you about your ex...have only nice things to say about the person!!!
10. Most importantly you know what it's like to be dumped so do what you would want your Dumper to do to you...haha

A Dumper's Bill of Rights
Heck yes you are entitled to something! And here you go

1. Your reason for breaking up is legitimate! Even if all your friends don't agree. Because at the end of the day it is you who is in the relationship and NOT them
2. You are allowed to feel any and all emotions because break-ups are bad even if you were the one who called it
3. Don't let anyone make you feel that you are a bad person. A bad person would stay with someone when they know they aren't happy with the relationship/person
4. Forgive yourself. Yes, Dumpers will feel guilt. So, eventually allow yourself to be okay with making the decision
5. Protect yourself. Give yourself time to heal and move on from the last relationship. Learn from the mistakes and remember what was good about the relationship

Break-ups suck but they are better than a divorce. That's what my mom always tells me when I have a break-up. And it is so important to remember. You are one step closer to finding the happiness you always wanted.


Monday, October 15, 2012

He Likes Me; He Likes Me Not

I'm more of a hit a pan over my head kind of gal when it comes to knowing when a guy likes me or not. Being in the fog of wondering and not knowing is one of the worst parts about being single. Because sometimes interactions aren't black and white and not all dates are how they appear. 90% of the time 'we' overanalyze and read too much into things, but there is the pesky 10% that will make your head spin. 

Analyzing and re-evaluating potential suitors has bridged from a hobby to a full on sport for many of us. I'm one of the most guilty girls when it comes to this head game. When I've tapped all my friends for advice I'll rely on online horoscopes and wish I had the guts to visit a psychic. But maybe if we looked closer at the signs that are clearly there we wouldn't have to keep wondering and guessing. Easier said then done! 

Situations that will make you pluck the petals off of a flower

If you find yourself in one of these dilemmas realize that even a tea leaf won't always know the answer. Here are the 5 situations that almost every girl/guy will experience. 

1. He/she has been a friend for a long time and now you both are single...Are the extra jokes and hugs signs of something more or are you just reading into things

2. He/she is an Ex and has been trying to reconnect...Is the person trying to mend past grievances or trying to hook up with the past

3. You've been set up with a person...Are they being nice or are they interested

4. There was that one night with that particular person...Was it just a symptom of alcohol and temporary availability or a revelation 

5. He/she invites you to parties but never makes a move...Does the person enjoy you as a friend and nothing more or has the person not made their move yet

Things to Pay Attention to

Body language is the key to solving the mystery! But it's not so easy when you have butterflies in your stomach and you're trying to look cool and collected. But being a tad bit more observant may give you the evidence to solve this case once and for all....
Red for Yes and Green for No

A. Does the person look at you a lot even when you aren't talking to them? 

B. Do they talk about themselves more or ask you more questions?

C. Do they initiate communication more or do you initiate?

D. Do they talk about other people they are interested in?

E. Do they smile a lot around you?

F. Do they lean in when you say something?

G. Do they fidget a little in your presence?

H. Do they try to impress you?

I. Do their friends talk up the person to you?

J. Does the person look you in eye?

K. Does the person seem to put a lot of effort in their appearance?

L. Do they appear next to you when the party is wrapping up and its last call?

M. Are they completely comfortable or a little on edge?

N. Is the person not afraid to embarrass himself/herself in front of you?

O. Does the person take notice when the opposite sex approaches you?

If you are still confused then all you can do is play the waiting game. If a person truly likes you they will eventually make it clear. And if they aren't bold enough to show it then they aren't worth it :)